Sadness

I had a great time at our last WOW gathering for this year. At the end it was mixed with some sadness because I'll miss the kids. But I know God willing they will come back next year.

More sadness tonite as Josh called to inform me that the last time he was with us at Lukes birthday party, because he chose to stay out beyond curfew he was kicked out of the mission.. so he said he has been sleeping outside for 3 nites. Steve let him come over and shower. This just breaks my heart..no words to describe how I feel..I just ache for him... He still doesn't see how he needs to follow the rules.. he just thinks he will be able to manuever people to get what he wants at the time. I don't know why is determining his decisions..Mental illness or just poor choices. My heart really aches deeply when I think its mental illness.. then when I think it is just him making poor choices it makes me wonder when he'll get it.
With all that I am tonite, I am fighting the phone so that I will not call him and have him come home. I know he needs to learn, and if he needs meds, this may all be part of him coming to that conclusion. (Bi-polar) Oh Lord please help my heart! I can't stand this deep pain I feel tonight..It feels overwhelming! I'm trying to hang on to you in this storm.. its so dark, and my hand keeps slipping away from yours..like it's all wet..but then you reach back and grab mine.. Help me God.. Please help me. Watch over my son.. I love him soo much and I feel so sad for him!!!

Tired

I hate the way my body feels. Tired and achey. This will get better once the doctor can increase my thyroid meds As of now I must keep the levels low so that the radio active iodine that is presently in my body will continue to attack the cancer cells. My doctor can deal with the low levels after I have camera scans of my cancer. (In June) I hope it's all gone and I won't have to go back in for more RAI.. I'm really sick and tired of being sick and tired. God has been right here with me and I can't even imagine going thru this without Him. I'm still in the process of wondering where this achey swollen part of my body is coming from.. I understand the tired part as being part of the thyroid.. but is the achey and swollen part, part of that also?. also my memory stinks still.. I should add that my doc did slightly increase my thyroid med.
Ok..I just had to get this off my chest.. I know others are dealing with so much worse. I wonder if others see me as a complainer or a constant worrier.. I guess that is what I'm doing now..so that is who I am as of now. lol I shouldn't try to make sense of all of this..I'm gonna go for now and do something productive.

2am..can't sleep..body tired...mind racing. Had Charly for a couple of days..great blessing. On the way home Jerry and I stopped at Ashley's house. A God thing.. She was home and we had a wonderful half hour visit. Much was talked about..we left knowing that God is at work in her life. I should be praying since my mind is so active.
I need something to pour my heart into. A mission..a cause..something that only God can do thru me. I long for an adventure. Excitement.. total dependance on God...I really believe He is at work in my life..and that He is preparing me for something..I just don't know what that something is yet.
I want to be done with this cancer, and yet at the same time God is teaching me things thru it. He seems to use every crumb of my life to show me my need for Him. I am nothing without Christ. I'm studying the book of Romans right now...whoa..a book I could spend a year on...easily... I wish my memory was better and my ability to absorb information. Low thyroid doesn't help this condition. I want to know Jesus in a deeper way.. with each breath I take I want to remember it comes from HIM. He is the life giver..He is the way, the truth and the Life.
I really hate the flesh of Claudia, but I love the Spirit of Christ within me. I wish I had more energy and discipline to start a woman's bible study, and a prayer meeting. I've been thinking of this for quite some time. Tuesday nites come to mind.
The Lord has impressed upon me the NEED for prayer in our church. It must be the foundation! I also know it's time to teach and grow with other women in Christ. Hoping I will feel much better after my radio active iodine treatment for thyroid cancer..i understand It could takes months to get the right amount of thyroid med balanced..I'm praying It won't take long at all... Once I have this done, I'm hoping I will feel better than i have in years..and it's possible I may..after all not sure how long this cancer has been hanging out and causing havoc in my body.. In the name and blood of Jesus Cancer you are cast out! Jesus said, "By my stripes, you are healed" I thank you Lord for your healing. Your definition of healing. Thank you for giving my doctor wisdom and skill. I ultimately trust you for everything.
To those of you reading this..I often launch into prayer when I write.. The funny part is I know no one will probably read this. LOL.. I don't care anyway..this is my life and heart of expression..whether anyone approves or not.. this is me.
I just want to feel Jesus hug me..but before that I want to tell thousands of people that Christ died for them and loves them.. He wants a relationship with them..He does not want for them to go to Hell..He made a way thru his life and death and resurrection....all we need to do is accept what He did and live for him..It's not easy because our ugly flesh steps in, but it He is so worth living for..and fulfilling what he calls us to do... Oh that I may not be ashamed of myself when I see my Lord and Savior in front of me..I think I would if I died today..I want to tell so many more people about Him..I know I could do soooo much more.. Gotta get off this landing pad and fly.. gotta get uncomfortable....I know I'm getting closer..I can feel it in my spirit... Be free Claudia...be all that Jesus has intended for you to be..

Thoughts for today

Jerry and I just recently returned from Muskegon..for meetings and errands. One of the places we went to was Hages. (A Christian Bookstore) I was looking for Bibles for the Kids ministry and came upon 4.00 Bibles in which the manager ended up giving them to me for 3.00 each!! God is sooo good. I got 20 of them. I'll pass them out tomorrow nite.
This morning I gave Buddy a hair cut and bath. He smells much better..He was just nasty looking and smelling.. I also did some organizing.. It'sn ow 5pm..I still need to bake some sugar cookies for the Kids Valentines Day Party.. and if I feel ok I'll go to the church to hang some pics in Jerry's office...
Things in my head I would love to have done:
All my videos transferred to DVDS
My pantry cleaned organized
My towel closet cleaned and organized
My paper stack organized
Liz's family picture order done
Find out picture cost for Caroline
Take down Christmas lites outside
wash throw blankets
Get picture from Fred for moms picture collage
Order kids pics for Kari
Set up visits with Josh
Wow classrooms more organized
Creative memories books done for kids
Angel blanket for Charly
Video for Bob and LLynn
Video for Hoffmann family
Ceiling tiles installed in downstairs bathroom
Carpets shampooed
Thank you notes sent out
Pillow cases ironed for downstairs bedroom
Paint frames
uhhhh this all makes me tired....LOL!!!!

It's been 4 months since I posted

Time flies. We had Thanksgiving at Mindy and Mike's home. The food and fellowship was especially sweet this year. I miss our Adult kids. They are so amazing to me! So glad they are my family.

I've been battling with some health issues these past few months. Lump in breast, fibroid in uterus, 2 ruptured discs, lump in thyroid. So far I have had a D&C , along with some exploratory surgery. I am still in physical therapy for my back.. I had a biopsy on my thyroid, it hurt far more than I expected after talking to the nurse the morning of... and my mamogram is on Dec 3rd I think. Then there will be follow-up appts. Not sure what all those dates are or will be.

I feel like I'm on a rollercoaster ride. Some days I have tons of energy and very upbeat, the next day I feel like I could sleep for days, my body sore and heart weary. I go thru depression. I usually tend to blame the weather on my weary days. Not really sure what is going on.

I wonder what it feels like to be balanced. I mean really balanced. It's hard to plan anything with my health..mental and physical. I'm scared to death to set up appt's with people in fear that I will need to back out. I hate letting people down.

The last few months have been very trying...I can't help but wonder about cancer. And when I've been low emotionally I have hoped for cancer that would take me fast. I know that is very honest and raw... and it is depression talking. I'm not making plans if any of you are wondering. I wonder how many 0ther people feel like me... none of us really know the amount of energy the other has.

Personal Prayer:

God please help me...give me strength to make a difference in someone's life today that would bring you glory. I want to be more like you and less like me...Help me to hear you...my heart aches for the lost, and yet I feel paralyzed to make a difference lately. I hate the fact that my flesh wins and my spirit looses especially when I am so tired. When you were praying in the garden and had a few of the disciples with you, and they fell asleep...I can identify with them. I feel like these are the last days, and I just can't stay awake. I long to give you all I am and share your love with anyone who will listen, yet I end up doing something that pleases the flesh...it could be sleeping, cleaning, reading, phone, computer....I know I can't earn my way to heaven, but I don't want to feel ashamed either. Could my imbalance be like a thorn was for Paul...I need to rely on your Grace to be sufficient. No matter how I feel. As for the wondering about cancer lately..no matter what the results are I know my furver for you will never change...I will pray for healing, or I will thank you for good results. Bottom line is it's all about you. When I feel like giving up on life, because of its burdens...I need to remember your perfect plan. Use me Lord in spite of my flesh. I hate my flesh. Change me, mold me into your likeness. As painful as it is...I know that you have my best interest at heart. Your Word says that when i am weak, then I am strong... I've seen you use my weaknesses, and it is humbling...My pride is so ugly! You hate pride. You've got my attention Lord. Please help me to listen to you Holy Spirit.
Give me the words to share at WOW.. and get me out of the way. Bless our praise team..may we be one. May our congregation reach out to the lost in huge miraculous ways. What would it be like if everyone in our church could reach just one soul.. it's possible...I know it is. Then once that happens it would be contagious... Lord use us. May we all be integrous, and authentic, and generous and compassionate... I love you. Good nite.

Holton Days

I woke up this morning with a sore neck...and felt very tired. I made my way to the kitchen for a cup of coffee, and flipped thru channels on the tv in hopes to find something on that would make me interested and help me to wake up. No such luck...I decided that since I had no where to go that I was committed to, I would just go back to bed for a while, and maybe when I woke up I would actually have felt well rested. Well, 3 hours later I awoke..It was now 11:00a.m. I had to look twice at the alarm clock because I couldn't believe I slept that long..Well, the good news was that I felt better, the bad is that my morning was gone. I had hoped to make it to the pancake breakfast at the church. Regardless, I showered and ate some oatmeal and made my way to the community center to see how things were going. I had a nice time visiting some folks from Holton, and had a nice little lunch, and watched the parade. During the parade I couldn't help but wish my grandkids were there. They would have loved it. Lots of candy was being thrown... They also had a lot of kids activities...I'll have to have them over next year for this event. After the parade, Jerry and I made our way down town to check out the rest of the activities..we made it to the craft show section. I bought Mindy a bookmark, and Kari and Mindy's little girls (not yet born) a rattle. Jerry and I made it to about the 4th tent with crafts and I had an instant headache...no warning signs at all..there I stood enjoy Hanks talent (man from our church) he makes beautiful baskets.. and the left side of my head felt stabbing pain. I told Hank I thought I needed to sit down, and he graciously gave me his chair and a cup of water.. The pain continued and I felt a bit dizzy so Hank got Jerry who meandered his way to the next display...Jerry asked if I needed to go home, and of course I said yes. Hank let us borrow his van, and off we went. I climbed into bed and took my pain meds, which I did not take in the morning because I would like to see if I'm getting better or not..and the pain meds would just be covering whatever is going on in my neck. At this point I was ready for the medicine. I slept for 3 hours. I awoke at 6pm... My afternoon gone. Bummer. I got up and made a bagel with cream cheese and watched hgtv for a while. Then I did a bit of laundry and picked up the house a little. I felt pretty good. No headache no pain in the neck. I then took a shower because I felt sweaty, then grabbed a book I have been wanting to read.."Next Door Savior" and climbed back into bed, where I am at presently. I read a few chapters and then felt the need to call Ashley. I felt I needed to just humble myself and be in relationship with her. When I called Ricci answered and went to get her..then I heard a staticey noice and we were disconnected. Well, unsure if she had just hung up or we just had a bad connection I tried to call back and got his answer machine. I'm assuming Ashley hung up. Well, I'll leave that to God as usual. It is so hard for me to be out of relationship with my kids. Even though they are adults. I feel ok about Brett, (although I wish I made more effort to be in touch) I feel distant with Mindy (but have felt that way for years, I think it's just our personalities) I feel close to Kari (she is so good at staying in touch, and seems like she really loves us, I need to get better at showing her my love) Then there's Ashley...I don't know what I quite feel right now..and Josh...and just pray he is ok. I don't know where he is, but Amanda knows and she said she is friends with him now.
I don't like who I see in the mirror lately. I find it so difficult to maintain friendships and family relationships. I'm feeling very sad right now. I have a deep sense of failure right now. I'm sure this feeling won't last long...I'm just being honest with how I feel for now. I hear Jerry shutting down the livingroom and locking doors, so I know it's time for bed. That means time to end these thoughts which may be a good thing. I hope the morning feels better than this night time. I look forward to being with my church family in the morning...and in corporate worship to God. I sure do NEED God in my life. Good nite.

Adult children

What does a mother do and how should she respond as she watches her adult children make such poor choices. I feel powerless to teach anything...all I do is say that you are in my prayers. I have two a.c. who play around with drugs and alcohol. They speak to their father and me only when desperate or they have forgotten our last arguement. We all just play this little Drama. I'm so tired of it all. It zaps my energy so quickly, and I know my health has paid a huge price. I do my best to put them at the cross along with my pain. I try imagine that somehow, someway my pain will help encourage anothers walk who has similiar issues. It's like riding a rollercoaster. I think they are getting out of the woods, and then they turn around and go back for more garbage.
While Amanda and Josh were living with us I made it clear that they were to have no contact with Ashley because she would bring them further down. Now that Amanda and Josh have moved out...guess where they are? Yes of course...right back where they started. Unhealth attracts unhealth. Today I'm just throwing my hands up in the air. The drama in their lives is like one of those raunchy talk shows. They are all cheating on each other, using drugs and alcohol, smoking, piercing, etc...Just so lost! Because I know they have been raised well, (not perfect) but Well...it makes viewing thier lives so painful. They know where to find peace and joy yet they run to all this evil world has to offer. I must say that at this point there are no guarentees as to how your children will turn out. I have witnessed children raised in abusive homes turn out as well rounded individuals who contribute possitively to our society. I'm just really weary of their lifestyle. How much is enough? How can I just not care? Sometimes being a mom really stinks! I must lean on God for my pain, and stand in the gap for their pain...Can't believe anyone would choose the lifestyle they live in. I just don't get it! Any advice or thoughts on this would be greatly appreciated. Help.

Time to Reflect

It isn't easy for me to take time to reflect, but when I do I feel more complete. I have so many things I'd like to do. I would love to have a fully labeled home. I know that sounds silly, but these are my desires I am talking about. I would like to have consistant energy, and some routine in my life. Don't get me wrong I love the freedom I am now experiencing. I would just like to commit to a few things weekly. I'd love to join the women's group that gathers on Wed. mornings..which is tomorrow. ( I think I will finally be able to make it) On Tues mornings I'd like to start a book study on "The Shack" I really enjoyed that book and would like to go deeper in thought with others who have read it. I already belong to the praise team, although this month I have missed most of the practices. Practice is on Thurs. nites. I will soon be delving into a kids program on Wednesday nites. I am a bit nervous about this because I am fully aware of all the energy that this program takes. I just need to hand over the anxiety to God, because I am convinced he has laid this program on my heart. I would love to see my grandchildren more often..gas money seems to be problematic and my energy, and schedule. So as it stands..my Mondays, Fri, Sat, Sundays would be fully free. My commitments would be Tues, Wed, Thursdays. That sounds pretty good. Although Fridays are me and Jerry's time. I think the best time for the grandchildren would be Sunday afternoons.

Ok now that I have some of that off my mind I just want to reflect. I am so blessed, in so many ways. I am a stay at home wife. I can do whatever I want to do (within God's realm) I can take time like now to sit in my swing outside that overlooks our wooded backyard and just be. So much of time passes me by so quickly. That is why I know that I need to just have some day -dream time..or time to reflect, or just sit in the presence of Gods's holiness.

Most of my relationships are going well. I wish that I would take more time to spend with Julie, and Carol. I need them in my life. As far as my children go..we'll I have a few that I wish I was closer to, but I am accepting the distance for now. Perhaps things will change in the future as it pertains to us. I love my family dearly, and hope that all know it.

I really enjoy the beauty of nature, or a song that speaks to my heart, or the sound of a child laughing. I love it when someone reads to me. When Heidi visited last she was kind enough to read aloud to me, while we were sitting on the swing. I love hugs from my hubby, and his gentle kisses. I like to decorate..and watch HGTV. I like the feel of a gentle breeze across my face and thru my hair. I like singing songs to God . I like playing my guitar and piano. and making up poems. I like to sit by a campfire. I like massages. I like encouraging people, I like rocking a baby to sleep. I like the smell of heavily scented roses, and the smell of lilacs. I like deep discussions with my sister Caroline. I like praying with my mom. I love to have my body slatherd in lotion. I like to be around people who like to laugh and don't take life to seriously. I like noodles sauteed in butter with sugar on the top. I like watching birds, and listening to them. I like the sound of my husbands voice. I like a clean home. I like fresh cut flowers in my home. I like learning how to garden. I like snuggling with my dog Buddy. I like throwing out stuff or giving it away if I don't need it. I like garage sales. I like getting a new outfit. I like having my hair colored and cut. I like to dance.