Sadness

I had a great time at our last WOW gathering for this year. At the end it was mixed with some sadness because I'll miss the kids. But I know God willing they will come back next year.

More sadness tonite as Josh called to inform me that the last time he was with us at Lukes birthday party, because he chose to stay out beyond curfew he was kicked out of the mission.. so he said he has been sleeping outside for 3 nites. Steve let him come over and shower. This just breaks my heart..no words to describe how I feel..I just ache for him... He still doesn't see how he needs to follow the rules.. he just thinks he will be able to manuever people to get what he wants at the time. I don't know why is determining his decisions..Mental illness or just poor choices. My heart really aches deeply when I think its mental illness.. then when I think it is just him making poor choices it makes me wonder when he'll get it.
With all that I am tonite, I am fighting the phone so that I will not call him and have him come home. I know he needs to learn, and if he needs meds, this may all be part of him coming to that conclusion. (Bi-polar) Oh Lord please help my heart! I can't stand this deep pain I feel tonight..It feels overwhelming! I'm trying to hang on to you in this storm.. its so dark, and my hand keeps slipping away from yours..like it's all wet..but then you reach back and grab mine.. Help me God.. Please help me. Watch over my son.. I love him soo much and I feel so sad for him!!!

Tired

I hate the way my body feels. Tired and achey. This will get better once the doctor can increase my thyroid meds As of now I must keep the levels low so that the radio active iodine that is presently in my body will continue to attack the cancer cells. My doctor can deal with the low levels after I have camera scans of my cancer. (In June) I hope it's all gone and I won't have to go back in for more RAI.. I'm really sick and tired of being sick and tired. God has been right here with me and I can't even imagine going thru this without Him. I'm still in the process of wondering where this achey swollen part of my body is coming from.. I understand the tired part as being part of the thyroid.. but is the achey and swollen part, part of that also?. also my memory stinks still.. I should add that my doc did slightly increase my thyroid med.
Ok..I just had to get this off my chest.. I know others are dealing with so much worse. I wonder if others see me as a complainer or a constant worrier.. I guess that is what I'm doing now..so that is who I am as of now. lol I shouldn't try to make sense of all of this..I'm gonna go for now and do something productive.

2am..can't sleep..body tired...mind racing. Had Charly for a couple of days..great blessing. On the way home Jerry and I stopped at Ashley's house. A God thing.. She was home and we had a wonderful half hour visit. Much was talked about..we left knowing that God is at work in her life. I should be praying since my mind is so active.
I need something to pour my heart into. A mission..a cause..something that only God can do thru me. I long for an adventure. Excitement.. total dependance on God...I really believe He is at work in my life..and that He is preparing me for something..I just don't know what that something is yet.
I want to be done with this cancer, and yet at the same time God is teaching me things thru it. He seems to use every crumb of my life to show me my need for Him. I am nothing without Christ. I'm studying the book of Romans right now...whoa..a book I could spend a year on...easily... I wish my memory was better and my ability to absorb information. Low thyroid doesn't help this condition. I want to know Jesus in a deeper way.. with each breath I take I want to remember it comes from HIM. He is the life giver..He is the way, the truth and the Life.
I really hate the flesh of Claudia, but I love the Spirit of Christ within me. I wish I had more energy and discipline to start a woman's bible study, and a prayer meeting. I've been thinking of this for quite some time. Tuesday nites come to mind.
The Lord has impressed upon me the NEED for prayer in our church. It must be the foundation! I also know it's time to teach and grow with other women in Christ. Hoping I will feel much better after my radio active iodine treatment for thyroid cancer..i understand It could takes months to get the right amount of thyroid med balanced..I'm praying It won't take long at all... Once I have this done, I'm hoping I will feel better than i have in years..and it's possible I may..after all not sure how long this cancer has been hanging out and causing havoc in my body.. In the name and blood of Jesus Cancer you are cast out! Jesus said, "By my stripes, you are healed" I thank you Lord for your healing. Your definition of healing. Thank you for giving my doctor wisdom and skill. I ultimately trust you for everything.
To those of you reading this..I often launch into prayer when I write.. The funny part is I know no one will probably read this. LOL.. I don't care anyway..this is my life and heart of expression..whether anyone approves or not.. this is me.
I just want to feel Jesus hug me..but before that I want to tell thousands of people that Christ died for them and loves them.. He wants a relationship with them..He does not want for them to go to Hell..He made a way thru his life and death and resurrection....all we need to do is accept what He did and live for him..It's not easy because our ugly flesh steps in, but it He is so worth living for..and fulfilling what he calls us to do... Oh that I may not be ashamed of myself when I see my Lord and Savior in front of me..I think I would if I died today..I want to tell so many more people about Him..I know I could do soooo much more.. Gotta get off this landing pad and fly.. gotta get uncomfortable....I know I'm getting closer..I can feel it in my spirit... Be free Claudia...be all that Jesus has intended for you to be..

Thoughts for today

Jerry and I just recently returned from Muskegon..for meetings and errands. One of the places we went to was Hages. (A Christian Bookstore) I was looking for Bibles for the Kids ministry and came upon 4.00 Bibles in which the manager ended up giving them to me for 3.00 each!! God is sooo good. I got 20 of them. I'll pass them out tomorrow nite.
This morning I gave Buddy a hair cut and bath. He smells much better..He was just nasty looking and smelling.. I also did some organizing.. It'sn ow 5pm..I still need to bake some sugar cookies for the Kids Valentines Day Party.. and if I feel ok I'll go to the church to hang some pics in Jerry's office...
Things in my head I would love to have done:
All my videos transferred to DVDS
My pantry cleaned organized
My towel closet cleaned and organized
My paper stack organized
Liz's family picture order done
Find out picture cost for Caroline
Take down Christmas lites outside
wash throw blankets
Get picture from Fred for moms picture collage
Order kids pics for Kari
Set up visits with Josh
Wow classrooms more organized
Creative memories books done for kids
Angel blanket for Charly
Video for Bob and LLynn
Video for Hoffmann family
Ceiling tiles installed in downstairs bathroom
Carpets shampooed
Thank you notes sent out
Pillow cases ironed for downstairs bedroom
Paint frames
uhhhh this all makes me tired....LOL!!!!