Sadness

I had a great time at our last WOW gathering for this year. At the end it was mixed with some sadness because I'll miss the kids. But I know God willing they will come back next year.

More sadness tonite as Josh called to inform me that the last time he was with us at Lukes birthday party, because he chose to stay out beyond curfew he was kicked out of the mission.. so he said he has been sleeping outside for 3 nites. Steve let him come over and shower. This just breaks my heart..no words to describe how I feel..I just ache for him... He still doesn't see how he needs to follow the rules.. he just thinks he will be able to manuever people to get what he wants at the time. I don't know why is determining his decisions..Mental illness or just poor choices. My heart really aches deeply when I think its mental illness.. then when I think it is just him making poor choices it makes me wonder when he'll get it.
With all that I am tonite, I am fighting the phone so that I will not call him and have him come home. I know he needs to learn, and if he needs meds, this may all be part of him coming to that conclusion. (Bi-polar) Oh Lord please help my heart! I can't stand this deep pain I feel tonight..It feels overwhelming! I'm trying to hang on to you in this storm.. its so dark, and my hand keeps slipping away from yours..like it's all wet..but then you reach back and grab mine.. Help me God.. Please help me. Watch over my son.. I love him soo much and I feel so sad for him!!!

Tired

I hate the way my body feels. Tired and achey. This will get better once the doctor can increase my thyroid meds As of now I must keep the levels low so that the radio active iodine that is presently in my body will continue to attack the cancer cells. My doctor can deal with the low levels after I have camera scans of my cancer. (In June) I hope it's all gone and I won't have to go back in for more RAI.. I'm really sick and tired of being sick and tired. God has been right here with me and I can't even imagine going thru this without Him. I'm still in the process of wondering where this achey swollen part of my body is coming from.. I understand the tired part as being part of the thyroid.. but is the achey and swollen part, part of that also?. also my memory stinks still.. I should add that my doc did slightly increase my thyroid med.
Ok..I just had to get this off my chest.. I know others are dealing with so much worse. I wonder if others see me as a complainer or a constant worrier.. I guess that is what I'm doing now..so that is who I am as of now. lol I shouldn't try to make sense of all of this..I'm gonna go for now and do something productive.