Holton Days

I woke up this morning with a sore neck...and felt very tired. I made my way to the kitchen for a cup of coffee, and flipped thru channels on the tv in hopes to find something on that would make me interested and help me to wake up. No such luck...I decided that since I had no where to go that I was committed to, I would just go back to bed for a while, and maybe when I woke up I would actually have felt well rested. Well, 3 hours later I awoke..It was now 11:00a.m. I had to look twice at the alarm clock because I couldn't believe I slept that long..Well, the good news was that I felt better, the bad is that my morning was gone. I had hoped to make it to the pancake breakfast at the church. Regardless, I showered and ate some oatmeal and made my way to the community center to see how things were going. I had a nice time visiting some folks from Holton, and had a nice little lunch, and watched the parade. During the parade I couldn't help but wish my grandkids were there. They would have loved it. Lots of candy was being thrown... They also had a lot of kids activities...I'll have to have them over next year for this event. After the parade, Jerry and I made our way down town to check out the rest of the activities..we made it to the craft show section. I bought Mindy a bookmark, and Kari and Mindy's little girls (not yet born) a rattle. Jerry and I made it to about the 4th tent with crafts and I had an instant headache...no warning signs at all..there I stood enjoy Hanks talent (man from our church) he makes beautiful baskets.. and the left side of my head felt stabbing pain. I told Hank I thought I needed to sit down, and he graciously gave me his chair and a cup of water.. The pain continued and I felt a bit dizzy so Hank got Jerry who meandered his way to the next display...Jerry asked if I needed to go home, and of course I said yes. Hank let us borrow his van, and off we went. I climbed into bed and took my pain meds, which I did not take in the morning because I would like to see if I'm getting better or not..and the pain meds would just be covering whatever is going on in my neck. At this point I was ready for the medicine. I slept for 3 hours. I awoke at 6pm... My afternoon gone. Bummer. I got up and made a bagel with cream cheese and watched hgtv for a while. Then I did a bit of laundry and picked up the house a little. I felt pretty good. No headache no pain in the neck. I then took a shower because I felt sweaty, then grabbed a book I have been wanting to read.."Next Door Savior" and climbed back into bed, where I am at presently. I read a few chapters and then felt the need to call Ashley. I felt I needed to just humble myself and be in relationship with her. When I called Ricci answered and went to get her..then I heard a staticey noice and we were disconnected. Well, unsure if she had just hung up or we just had a bad connection I tried to call back and got his answer machine. I'm assuming Ashley hung up. Well, I'll leave that to God as usual. It is so hard for me to be out of relationship with my kids. Even though they are adults. I feel ok about Brett, (although I wish I made more effort to be in touch) I feel distant with Mindy (but have felt that way for years, I think it's just our personalities) I feel close to Kari (she is so good at staying in touch, and seems like she really loves us, I need to get better at showing her my love) Then there's Ashley...I don't know what I quite feel right now..and Josh...and just pray he is ok. I don't know where he is, but Amanda knows and she said she is friends with him now.
I don't like who I see in the mirror lately. I find it so difficult to maintain friendships and family relationships. I'm feeling very sad right now. I have a deep sense of failure right now. I'm sure this feeling won't last long...I'm just being honest with how I feel for now. I hear Jerry shutting down the livingroom and locking doors, so I know it's time for bed. That means time to end these thoughts which may be a good thing. I hope the morning feels better than this night time. I look forward to being with my church family in the morning...and in corporate worship to God. I sure do NEED God in my life. Good nite.

Adult children

What does a mother do and how should she respond as she watches her adult children make such poor choices. I feel powerless to teach anything...all I do is say that you are in my prayers. I have two a.c. who play around with drugs and alcohol. They speak to their father and me only when desperate or they have forgotten our last arguement. We all just play this little Drama. I'm so tired of it all. It zaps my energy so quickly, and I know my health has paid a huge price. I do my best to put them at the cross along with my pain. I try imagine that somehow, someway my pain will help encourage anothers walk who has similiar issues. It's like riding a rollercoaster. I think they are getting out of the woods, and then they turn around and go back for more garbage.
While Amanda and Josh were living with us I made it clear that they were to have no contact with Ashley because she would bring them further down. Now that Amanda and Josh have moved out...guess where they are? Yes of course...right back where they started. Unhealth attracts unhealth. Today I'm just throwing my hands up in the air. The drama in their lives is like one of those raunchy talk shows. They are all cheating on each other, using drugs and alcohol, smoking, piercing, etc...Just so lost! Because I know they have been raised well, (not perfect) but Well...it makes viewing thier lives so painful. They know where to find peace and joy yet they run to all this evil world has to offer. I must say that at this point there are no guarentees as to how your children will turn out. I have witnessed children raised in abusive homes turn out as well rounded individuals who contribute possitively to our society. I'm just really weary of their lifestyle. How much is enough? How can I just not care? Sometimes being a mom really stinks! I must lean on God for my pain, and stand in the gap for their pain...Can't believe anyone would choose the lifestyle they live in. I just don't get it! Any advice or thoughts on this would be greatly appreciated. Help.

Time to Reflect

It isn't easy for me to take time to reflect, but when I do I feel more complete. I have so many things I'd like to do. I would love to have a fully labeled home. I know that sounds silly, but these are my desires I am talking about. I would like to have consistant energy, and some routine in my life. Don't get me wrong I love the freedom I am now experiencing. I would just like to commit to a few things weekly. I'd love to join the women's group that gathers on Wed. mornings..which is tomorrow. ( I think I will finally be able to make it) On Tues mornings I'd like to start a book study on "The Shack" I really enjoyed that book and would like to go deeper in thought with others who have read it. I already belong to the praise team, although this month I have missed most of the practices. Practice is on Thurs. nites. I will soon be delving into a kids program on Wednesday nites. I am a bit nervous about this because I am fully aware of all the energy that this program takes. I just need to hand over the anxiety to God, because I am convinced he has laid this program on my heart. I would love to see my grandchildren more often..gas money seems to be problematic and my energy, and schedule. So as it stands..my Mondays, Fri, Sat, Sundays would be fully free. My commitments would be Tues, Wed, Thursdays. That sounds pretty good. Although Fridays are me and Jerry's time. I think the best time for the grandchildren would be Sunday afternoons.

Ok now that I have some of that off my mind I just want to reflect. I am so blessed, in so many ways. I am a stay at home wife. I can do whatever I want to do (within God's realm) I can take time like now to sit in my swing outside that overlooks our wooded backyard and just be. So much of time passes me by so quickly. That is why I know that I need to just have some day -dream time..or time to reflect, or just sit in the presence of Gods's holiness.

Most of my relationships are going well. I wish that I would take more time to spend with Julie, and Carol. I need them in my life. As far as my children go..we'll I have a few that I wish I was closer to, but I am accepting the distance for now. Perhaps things will change in the future as it pertains to us. I love my family dearly, and hope that all know it.

I really enjoy the beauty of nature, or a song that speaks to my heart, or the sound of a child laughing. I love it when someone reads to me. When Heidi visited last she was kind enough to read aloud to me, while we were sitting on the swing. I love hugs from my hubby, and his gentle kisses. I like to decorate..and watch HGTV. I like the feel of a gentle breeze across my face and thru my hair. I like singing songs to God . I like playing my guitar and piano. and making up poems. I like to sit by a campfire. I like massages. I like encouraging people, I like rocking a baby to sleep. I like the smell of heavily scented roses, and the smell of lilacs. I like deep discussions with my sister Caroline. I like praying with my mom. I love to have my body slatherd in lotion. I like to be around people who like to laugh and don't take life to seriously. I like noodles sauteed in butter with sugar on the top. I like watching birds, and listening to them. I like the sound of my husbands voice. I like a clean home. I like fresh cut flowers in my home. I like learning how to garden. I like snuggling with my dog Buddy. I like throwing out stuff or giving it away if I don't need it. I like garage sales. I like getting a new outfit. I like having my hair colored and cut. I like to dance.